Paris Hilton Bruises Easily

Poor poor Paris Hilton. She has got it so rough. Not only is she completely worthless and stupid as the day is long. She has to shop relentlessly with her daddy's money and be followed by "fans" on a daily basis which sometimes leaves her with bruises. Poor thing. According to Page Six, THOSE ugly bruises Paris Hilton was sporting on a Jimmy Choo shopping spree this week can be blamed on over-ardent fans, says Hilton consultant Elliot Mintz. "She's very slender and can bruise easily," Mintz explains. "And that's what happens when too many people are coming at her and bodyguards are trying to move her around." Mintz said Paris was in Las Vegas recently when she got mobbed. "You can say it was frenzied fan overreaction," he said — and the bruises are "absolutely, positively not" caused by her muscular new lover, Stavros Niarchos.

I was really hoping that someone beat the crap out of her just for being a worthless whore. What a wonderful day that will be when that finally does happen. Hey, I can dream can't I?